Day 60- annoyed

So, why am I doing this again?  I am really struggling to care right about now.  I just took my measurements, pictures, and weight and I'm not impressed.  I have worked so hard, and you really can't tell a difference.  I thought for sure there would be a significant difference by 2 months into this.  It's very disappointing. 

I still feel heavy.  I feel bulky.  I'm gaining muscle, but not losing fat.  I'm losing inches, but I don't look smaller.  It's discouraging.  I want to look lean and fit.  I just look like an overweight retired gymnast.  Thick is the word I would use to describe my figure.  I thought I would love the way my body was changing.  Noooo...not lovin' it.

I feel healthier and stronger, but I don't look any better.  I feel this pressure to see a noticeable improvement because I'm so committed.  Sure I've cheated on the diet several times, but I haven't with the workouts.  And I know some people would say, "You've only been at this for 2 months."  However I've actually been working out for 7 months and my body doesn't look much different.  In December 2011 I weighed 136 lbs.  Today I weigh 125 lbs.  Why do I look the same?!  I've lost 11.75 inches overall.  Why do I look the same?!

I'm annoyed.  I don't foresee my body making a huge change in the last 30 days of this journey.  But what is my other option?  Stopping and getting bigger and softer?  No.  So I will continue on, I will whine and complain, and I will never be satisfied with my figure.  Yikes, I'm a grouch. 



Day 60

Day 1





A slump

Blah, wah, I hate this.

So, I went to Columbus three weeks in a row to visit family and friends.  I tried to eat well, but mostly failed.  My mom's the devil and always buys cinnamon crunch bagels from Panera.  What am I gonna do?  Let those go to waste?!  NO!  I'm a grateful daughter and I eat one for every meal.  JK!  But at least one a day. 

I mean, let's be honest, that's not the ONLY thing I did wrong.  But anyway...I've gained back 4 lbs!!!  I feel so gross, but I just keep eating terrible food.  It's like I can't stop or something.  And I feel awful WHILE I'm doing it and I continue to do it.  When am I going to learn?!

I have still worked out consistently, but I have not felt good all week.  I've felt heavy, sluggish, and not motivated.  When I work out, I feel so proud of myself and I look in the mirror and see change.  This week I felt terrible and did not see any positive results. 

I've hit a slump.  I need to get rejuvenated.  What's it gonna take??

Halfway!

We have reached day 45!  Well, I should clarify.  I have reached day 45.  Nate hasn't worked out in like 3 weeks or something.  He's just too busy with work.  It's not fitting into his life right now and that's okay.  I would love it if we were doing this together, but I am able to do it on my own. 

In 45 days, I have lost 7 lbs. and 11 inches.  I feel really good!  I'm working so hard and seeing some results.  I'm anxious to see how much my body will change in the last 45 days of this journey.  Maybe I should stop eating ice cream though...

It's kind of awkward that I've been blogging because everyone knows I'm trying to lose weight.  It seems like people feel the need to comment when they see me, not because they can actually see a difference, but because they have read about my journey.  So, if you're reading this, and if you see me sometime soon, you DO NOT have to say anything!  If you don't see a difference, that's okay!  You don't have to lie and say something because you think that's what I want to hear.  I don't like pity. 

Of course it would be great if you saw me and were like, "Hey I can tell you've been working out."  But I've only been at this for 45 days so you really might not be able to tell.  I can tell because of my clothes fitting differently, but it's not a drastic change.  Nate says he can see a big change, but I think he's just saying that...

I know if I would be more strict with the diet I would see a bigger change, but I don't even care anymore.  I read a Paleo blog last night and got this quote: "After two years of living a Paleo Lifestyle, we can safely say that there is no such thing as Perfect Paleo."  THANK YOU!  I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks it's impossible.  That made me feel so much better.  I have beat myself up over this countless times.  I've felt like I just don't have enough self control to handle this.  I know the diet produces great results and benefits, but I just can't do it 100% of the time.  So knowing other people have come to the conclusion that this lifestyle is great, but not maintainable, was an encouragement. 

I'm excited for the second half of this journey!  And for those of you that have emailed, facebooked, and texted me about your journeys, THANK YOU and GOOD LUCK!  Anyone can do 90 days!  I promise!

On to week 7

Today is the first day of week 7.  My diet was disastrous this weekend.  I tried to make good choices, but I ruined them by having ice cream and other desserts.  I went into the weekend weighing 123 lbs.  Three days later I weigh 126 lbs.  Ridiculous. 

I have this conversation in my head all time time: "It doesn't matter what you weigh.  Just enjoy some ice cream.  Don't worry about what other people think."  And then an hour later, "I will NOT ruin this.  I have worked too hard to sabbotage it with all that sugar.  It's not worth it." 

Sometimes I make the right choice, sometimes I don't. 

I still have 47 days to get down to 120 lbs.  I know I will do that, but it will be difficult to maintain it.  I really hope at the end of the 90 days I don't care about the number and am just proud of my hard work.  It's just so rewarding to see the number go down! 

I was thinking the other day...has there ever been a time in my life where I felt completely confident about my body?  No, I don't think there has.  There's always something that needs to be tighter, smaller, less cellulitey.  Until I don't have to worry about things hanging, I don't think I'll feel "done".  So yes this journey is 90 days, but I know I will have to work my entire life to feel comfortable.  That's kind of annoying and overwhelming.  But it brought me to the conclusion that I HAVE to find out how to feel confident aside from how much I weigh.  Otherwise, I'll always feel like I don't add up. 

Bragging about it

I lost another pound.  That's a total of 7 lbs. in 39 days.  I thought for sure I would lose a lot in the beginning and then it would take awhile to get the last few pounds off.  But, the weight is coming off faster now than it did in the beginning, and I'm not going to complain that I was wrong! 

I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with my daughter Lilianna.  That's kinda fun to say!  My body still looks completely different than it did before kids, but I'm happy with the results so far.  Today is a brag post.  Sorry for the arrogance.  However, I will never brag about what kids and weight loss have done to my chest- YIKES!  It's scary.  Good thing Nate loves me regardless!! :)

I don't get it

I have had a few people ask when I'm going to post pics.  So here's a little embarrassing story:
Today after I worked out I thought, "I can see some definition finally.  I'm gonna take a pic and post it to my blog."  So the picture was taken and it did not look like I thought it should!!  I don't get it!!!  I seriously, really, honestly have a problem.  Why do I look in the mirror and think, "Yay, I can see muscle over fat.  Take a picture for proof."  And then I take a picture, and it's not proof.  The truth did not set me free.  It actually kinda ticked me off.  Dangit, why do I think I look better than I really do?!  That is such a weird problem that I really don't think anyone else struggles with!!!

So I'm not posting the picture!!  Sorry, friends.  Until you can actually tell by a picture that I have some abs, I'm not showing them to anyone!!  But I did lose another pound!! 6 pounds down in 38 days.  I know it's not a lot, but I'm happy about it!

That week went fast!

This week was busy!  Of course with Monday being a holiday, it was a short work week.  Plus I went to Columbus Tuesday-Wednesday to go to a concert with my sisters.  And my workload picked up and I am officially trained and ready to handle all the administrative work for my job. 

Because of the busyness, I ate some unhealthy meals and missed a workout.  However, I still managed to lose another pound!  I'm glad, but isn't it ironic?  Don't ya think?  I would categorize this week as "bad" week, yet I lost weight.  Who understands this whole losing weight process?!  NOT ME!  But I'll take it!

On to week 6 of 13.  I feel like I'm finally in a healthy place.  I still care about my weight, but I'm doing as much as I can.  If I deprive myself anymore I'll go crazy. So as long as I can manage this lifestyle for the next 55 days, I think I'll feel pretty good in the end.